Depression. After such a long time, about more than 4 years, I am finally able to share more about my depression.
Many of you heard of it, maybe laughed and brushed it off but how many of you have actually experienced it or are currently battling with this dark cloud?
I am one of them and I am proud to say that I’m a survivor despite all my lousy attempts at suicide. And I hope, if you are suffering from depression and reading this entry, that you would stay strong, don’t try to kill yourself and just let time heal you no matter how long it seems it would take or how painful it is to get up everyday to face the world.
My depression started when I was 13. I just let myself go along with the dark cloud looming above me everyday. I steer clear from social groups and kept to myself most of the times and when there was group project, I’ll just fake my way through with tight forced smiles and fake laughs. I didn’t know how to handle depression and of course I kept it to myself although people kept wondering why I was always on my own. The cause of my depression was mainly due to social relationships (friendships and relationships). Hence, that’s why I steer clear from social groups. Especially those really big groups. I enjoy one on one company more than ever from then onwards. (The funny thing is that one of my friend, Matthew thinks I’m quite famous because random school people will say or wave “hi” to me. People know me, but they don’t exactly know me at all.)
I’ve always felt that when I’m in a huge group, no one actually listens to what I have to say and another person with a louder voice will be able to cut through my sentence and begin another topic, while I just fade into the background.
Anyways, most people’s depression may be due to bullying as well, and that was what happened to me once which emotionally hurt me. It was mild bullying. Not the violent kind. And this, I can totally handle and act like nothing’s wrong. Some girls my age decided it was fun and not hurting to write mean stuff about me in the girls bathroom cubicle wall. I always had to go there and use an eraser to rub it off the pastel colored tiled walls if the words were written in pencil. But if it was in pen or marker, I’ll take a marker and just scribble it over. My best friend at that time was also bullied this way but guess what? She’s really good friends with the bullies now. Such plot twists.
And this particular year, I got my heart broken. Shattered into many pieces for caring too much about a boy. This boy played with my feelings. It hurt so much that I cried whenever I hear a sad emotional song in my room. I cried at night till the a.m. and soaked my pillow. I wake up in the middle of the night and end up feeling the pressure on my heart over and over again that I can’t fall back asleep. I see him at school, which was the worst part because I had to pretend that I didn’t care and that I’m okay. From then onwards, I stayed clear from going into another relationship.
Furthermore, I was stressed out about my piano, violin,theory and school exam. I was seriously emotionally drained to the max. I get scolded a lot, especially from my violin teacher. My grades were dropping at school. When you have depression, your grades fall with you because it’s harder to study. No matter how much effort you put in, it’s never enough.
Anyways, my depression continued the next year. To be honest, I didn’t know it was depression until I took more than 5 online quizzes to confirm my depression. I thought I was just upset over the emotional issues for a long time.
I still didn’t know how to handle my depression. There was the school counsellor but the only problem was that it was in school. People could watch you go in and know that you have some sort of problem so I never ever went to see the counsellor, even though I was quite desperate at one point. Another reason to why I decided against going to the counsellor was that I didn’t trust anyone anymore. Not even my parents. I knew it was getting worse. I was so depressed one day, I chugged down a bottle of pink syrup medicine but all it does was made me fall asleep. At least I could escape life for a while.
I started thinking about suicide more. Especially different ways of committing it and the most painless way to go. My advice, don’t do this sort of research. Just don’t.
When I was 15, my depression was still the same, except that I started cutting my self at my left wrist. My grades were dropping but at least I could handle my depression much better now. As the middle of the year came, I was much more depressed once more. I get targeted almost every time during this one particular lesson. I dreaded going for this lesson. I fake sick some days too. This teacher had absolutely no idea what was going on in me. I guess people here don’t know the signs of a depressed person. But in the end of the year, I did proved to her that I could get an A for that subject. In fact, I got all As in the public examination. It took countless of nights and weekends just to work for that A for that subject. Maybe the reason why I didn’t do well was because she made me hate going for that class. Hence, hating that subject.
By the time I was 16, I hinted to my parents about my depression. They didn’t get the hint. And then, I told them directly but none of them took it seriously. My mum thought I was just funny crazy and not mentally ill. I gave up in telling them. I went on this year like every other year. Just me and myself. Occasionally, I would hang around random people sometimes when I was bored but that was a good sign to recovery.
This got to be my favourite year even though I had depression because it was my last year at the school. I worked hard on something in secret so that I didn’t have to stay at that school one year longer like the rest of them. I wanted a fresh start elsewhere. So I took my O levels during October to November as a private candidate, skipping most of my school exam. I didn’t even gave a second thought about it. I wanted to go so bad. Every bad memories was fueling me to success. But at the end of the year there were some things pulling me back because this was the year I found people like me. Angelyn and Matthew. These are my healers of 2014 till present day.
The next year, I was off to college, I was a year ahead and I loved breaking into the unknown. It made me feel alive and fresh once more. I promised myself a new happier year. But then, with depression still looming above me, I found myself upset once more because I was so stressed out about not doing well in college. I finally called the suicide helpline and talked someone. It was a strange experience, calling someone I didn’t know and spilling my heart out. Honestly, I admire those people who use their time to do this kind of job. I actually saved their number in my contacts just in case I’m ever a ticking emotional bomb again.
Now, it’s year 2016 and I have to admit that I’m getting a whole lot better than I was before. Sometimes, spilling your heart out to other people isn’t a bad thing at all. It makes you feel a lot better.
Thank you once more to Angelyn, Matthew, Aaron and Audrey for hearing me out and being there.
(I called Befrienders. It’s 24 hours daily. To visit their international website, click here. Click for more suicide hotlines of different countries if it’s not listed in the Befrienders international website.)
Before I finish this entry, I have to stress out that depression isn’t about having a weak mentality. (I actually got quite mad when my friend said that people with depression have weak mentality. She just doesn’t know how it’s really like and had no idea I had it.) It’s something that people with depression (like me) don’t want. It’s just there no matter how hard we try to get rid of it. It’s also not something that can be forgotten of overnight. If we could fix it, we could have already done it a long time ago. But we are dealing with it the best as we can every single second. Moreover, depressed people ARE NOT CRAZY! Never ever treat us differently, as if we’re like extremely sick people. Also, just don’t ask too much because it’s actually quite difficult to talk about our depression. Sometimes, there is not a solid reason for being depressed. And by the way, it’s not about feeling sorry for ourselves. It physically hurts sometimes. Depression may also make us blend in the corner but that doesn’t mean that we don’t need close friends.
Once more, depression is not a choice. Do remember this.
Always respect everyone.
Stay full of love in your hearts. xx