I do get nervous, at a normal level like any other person, but lately, I find myself much more anxious.
1st Evidence : Getting Nauseous
I flew early in the morning to another state to take my interview for university. I never get nauseous in planes before so I thought I was just very hungry. After the plane landed, I went to eat with my dad at a random store at the airport. I assumed it made me feel better because it did made me feel better by a bit. So then we left the store and kept walking towards the train station. Halfway, I felt like vomitting so I walked faster to find a toilet but I was too late. I puked into my hands. The 2nd puke came out causing me to spill some of it onto the floor. After that, I ran for the toilet. It was so embarrasing, I don’t know how many people saw me puked. Anyways, I got myself cleaned up. It was a miracle that none of the vomit made it on my clothes.
I thought my episode of nausea was over. I was so wrong. I couldn’t eat or drink anything. I would end up feeling even more nauseous. I kept on feeling that way on the train and it got worse when I was approaching the interview venue. My stomach was churning and churning. I felt like I could spend a day in the toilet.
I finally went into the interview room. There were 12 other students doing this interview that day. Most of them were girls. Overall, the interview went fine. After getting out of the room, I felt a weight lifted of me and I can finally eat again. The nausea was just gone like that.
2nd Evidence : Excessive questioning
Days before my driving test, I started thinking about everything that could go wrong.
The day before the test, my friend Matthew had his driving test too and he passed. Me being quite clueless about how it’s done even though my instructor gave me the run down, I texted Matt. I bombarded him with so many questions that he got lazy to type and decided to give me a call. And then he mentions something that my instructor did not mention. About how we have to know the things in the bonnet of the car. I freaked out. I was afriad of not recognising the different things inside. I googled labelled images and at midnight, with my brother Ben helping out, we opened 3 different car bonnets and studied them. Yes I’m just that worried.
The next day, I texted Matt early in the morning. Thank gosh he was awake already and that he could calm my nerves as I did felt a little nauseous. I asked him more things. I just wanted a clear and precise image of the driving test procedure. By 9am, I was at the driving center. I asked my instructor about the things that he did not mention but he assured me that I didn’t have to go through what Matt did, identifying things. I didn’t believe him at first because the marking scheme did mention something like that. So then, I sat down and called Matt just to calm myself down even more. I was mental.
And then my instructor called me over for the first test. Luckily, there were 3 of his students doing the same test together with me. He asked us to pick any cars that were lined up a distance before the hill. I chose the last one. I just needed to know that I’m not the first one doing it and I didn’t have to worry.
After all the test. I called Matt again and told him how it went. This is how nerve wrecking and anxious I can be.
3rd evidence : Late night contemplating
I took my IGCSE during October till November. I had so many sleepless nights. I find myself thinking about the things I wrote and the number of mistakes I might have made. I was so worried that I’ll do badly that I went up online in the middle of the night to sort of predict the grade boundaries by using the IGCSE June exam grade boundaries. I’m insane because I did this over and over again. My results turned out to be fine.
And then, I took Ausmat (Australian Matriculation). Yes I did the same thing after taking the finals. I kept assuming the marks I would get and calculating my ATAR over and over again. (They pick the best 4 subjects out of 5 subjects to calculate the ATAR score.) I was worried about not getting the desired ATAR. I even had tears, thinking I won’t make it. Once the results were out, I was more than relieved.
My conclusion :
I never really have any fear for anything but maybe, I fear failure. Failure in anything I do. That could be the answer to all this madness.