Changed

Dedicated to : Vanessa Y. (The girl I somehow was able to make friends with at school even though we’re of different age.)

We grow up. We make mistakes. We take time to process. We take time to heal. And we also take time to change.

I did change. In fact, I’ve changed a lot.

I’m no longer that girl who needs a friend right beside her physically. I can walk on my own. I can decide for myself. I can make my mistakes. I’m truly myself.

I used to listen more. Do plenty for others. Do less for myself. It made me weak. But after finding my strong point, I love it. I love the confidence boost, the confidence walk. Only the brave, daring and strong can walk straight confidently. Only the brave, daring and strong can shoot the haters down. Let them talk. People talk about how I’m always on my own. They think I’m not okay, when the truth is I’m flying. I’m soaring. I’m high on my confidence. I’m proud of the way I walk in my own spotlight.

There was once where two of my classmates planned to do something about my ‘loneliness’. They wanted to put me back with my exbestfriend. I told one of them that I didn’t need that. I never told them why. But I’m glad I told them that because, I don’t need people who build me up to tear me down.

I’m no longer the second choice everyone made. Now, I run away from ever being second choices.

When my exboyfriend still have feelings for another girl and I had sped up future plans that happened so quickly in a blink of an eye, I decided to go with my dreams instead. I never wanted to be the second choice either ways.

When my exbestfriend claims that the others were bad influence so she started hanging around me, I already knew I was the second choice. That’s because she went back to the people she called ‘bad influence’ later. Nobody wants to be the second choice. I too, don’t want to make anyone my second choice. I’ll always want the first. 

Either ways, I’ll always forgive them because humans make mistakes. But forgetting is difficult.

I no longer associated with toxic people.

One of my friend whined about the fact that I don’t keep in contact with the people from my secondary school. He told me connections are good for the future. That I agree. But at the same time, I don’t want to be the person that puts on the variety of masks just to have a connection with them. I don’t want to be fake or laugh at something not humouring at all. I just want real people in my life. The people who I can trust, believe and not second think it.

I cannot imagine myself continuing fake friendships and exchanging coy smiles with each other when the both of us know it’s rubbish. I don’t want to waste my time falling into the zone where caring becomes real and one-sided. But if I ever see them outside, I’ll probably still say “hi” for the sake of being polite.

I find it difficult to trust now.

Trust is earned. Not given. From all my other blog posts, it’s clear that I’m becoming more cautious. I set a limit whenever I tell people things. Enough is enough. No more details to be told. Don’t ever ask for more because I won’t even tell.

I have difficulties opening up.

Writing or typing makes it easier for me to open up. I can’t open up for others. I just can’t. It just  goes back to trust issues. But I’m trying to improve this.

In any ways we change, it’s always about protecting the heart. Emotional pain is the pain that changes us the most. It breaks down our soul but it builds up our walls. We do become more cautious but maybe it’s for the best. But sometimes, a little risk is all we need to feel the breeze of the good life.

Change all you want. xx

 

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