Crushed & Crush

I have mini crushes since young and these crushes messed my life a little bit. I remember I told my friend who I liked and she told that person about it. It ruined my life. Okay, not really but it was embarrassing back then. After this happened, I never really share anything about my crushes with friends.

But here I am, talking about it.

I can’t help but crush on people. If a guy’s cute and he know my name and also greets me everyday although we don’t share a class, I can’t help but have this little crush forming. There’s this guy that did this. I haven’t seen or talked to him in a long while. That’s what happens when everyone’s off to college. There was something about his really appealing smile but I don’t think I have a crush on him anymore.

Now there’s this guy that I do have a crush on. He’s mysterious. I can’t help but like this mysterious person. He’s always on my mind. It seems as if there is so much more to him than the surface. I just want to figure it out but it’s so difficult because he makes me so nervous. Whenever he’s around, I feel so self-conscious. I don’t know what I’m doing sometimes but I do reaalize that I try to avoid eye contacts with him. And sometimes, I think I try to play cool, like there’s no signs of nervousness.

In more detail, he’s someone I don’t really know so well. I’ve hung out with him on some occasions with the same group of people but apart from that, I haven’t hung out with him anywhere else. He likes things that I like which is a good sign because I know we have something in common to share. Most of our conversations are on the same sort of topic but I can’t help but wonder if sometimes it’s my fault that the conversation doesn’t go to far. I know I’m quite a closed up person but that’s something I’m working hard with. I know I should open up but growing up with limits in what I say is something that comes naturally to me. It’s like I was trained to give limited information and just keep the rest a secret.

Unfortunately, rumors go around and I think he likes someone else. Unrequited love always suck but these sort of things always happen. I’ve been thinking and considering about telling him, but at the same time, I’m afraid of the outcome. Will we stay as we were like normal friends or will we change and go in that awkward friendship? Maybe a worse scenario can even occur whereby we promise each other that we’re still friends but we end up fading  away from each others’ lives.

I guess I’ll just stand and watch and hope that this crush goes away. Honestly, this is the first crush that I have on someone for a very, very long time. My usual school girl crush always last until a month or more but this was something else. It’s impossible to describe this crush. Like when I can’t sleep, I think about him and all the possible scenarios that could happen but it seem so far-fetched. But somehow, thinking about him helps me fall asleep.

Sadly, he’ll never know how I feel about him.

I’m such a wrecked when it comes to things like this. 

Love sucks but still, 

Love,

cloe_shadowscar

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