Voicing But Not Heard

“What have you been doing everyday? Sleeping at 1 am. Waking up at late. Doing Nothing.” 

I’m on a long break and of course, get a grip because I’m a seventeen – and still a teenager. Sleeping is basically my safe haven. I would also like to point out that I have been writing a lot but of course I have already made it known to them but I guess no one ever takes me seriously so they consider that I do nothing. Joy. Really. It doesn’t hurt at all.

I struggle a lot when my parents ask me what I  have been doing at home. I’m not exactly the type that likes going out. I love staying at home, blogging or writing on Wattpad, and doing things I like. I know I have answers to what I have been doing but it’s always left unsaid because I know for sure they’ll never take me seriously. And plus, I think they know because I mention about story writing all the time and I don’t know how they come up with me doing absolutely nothing. And for goodness sake, I get into trouble for doing nothing.

I do not do drugs. I do not do anything bad at all so why get all fired up because I supposedly do nothing?

I know I have a test that I should have sat a while ago but I’m so afraid that I won’t get the target marks so I rely heavily on this education website to help me out. I swear I’m almost done with it and I’m planning to sit for it mid June. I did mention that I was learning from a website but somehow, I think they weren’t listening at all. I guess my parents just want to hear what they want to hear.

Unsurprisingly, I’m probably the most rebellious in the family as well. That happens, when you learn to voice out more (but never get heard somehow) and let your feelings get in control of you. They seriously have to put themselves in my shoes to know how much I worry, to what extend I worry and the intensity of my worries. Sometimes, I wonder what difference would it make if they know who I really am. I wonder if they will see things differently if they knew the things I have done to keep myself alive. For instance, dialing the suicide helpline. I still have them in my contacts just in case I need help again.

If you have read, I did mention in my past blog entries that I have directly hinted at my past depression but again, no one took me seriously. Since then, I’ve pretty much learn to mask my emotions. But lately, I noticed that I have this routine that keeps showing up. Whenever my brother annoys me, I tend to pretend that I’m not annoyed. Same goes for everything else I’m feeling like anger. But holding emotions inside tends to brew a storm, just waiting to blow up. And that is what happens a few times every month. I blow up. I feel this rage and I start yelling. I’m starting to worry about having anger problems because in my latest incident, I broke a mug on purpose.

I know I’m pretty good at calming myself down but sometimes people don’t realize that they have pushed you way past the edge.

I think this is something I have to work on, that is, my anger and voice. Or maybe, people just need to really listen and understand…

Signing off.

cloe_shadowscar xx




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