Anxiety Rules Again

I don’t know but I am terrified and scared about my future. I keep asking myself if this is what I truly want. I keep contemplating and wondering about the consequences. What if I fail? What if I succeed? The thoughts just scares the hell out of me.

It is quite sad that I can’t find someone to rely on here. Or maybe I said it too early.

There is this girl who lives in the same house as me. (I only know her for a few days.) She is super friendly, have some work out obsession and is super picky about food. But I’m probably quite the opposite of her although I secretly do like exercising, except that I hate to do it with someone I don’t really know.

What I gather from these few days is that I probably can’t open up to her about how I feel. I don’t know how she does it but she can tell me all about her insecurities. I can’t. I have to know one person really closely then I’ll only talk.

I’m that type of person who needs her personal time although I have to admit I manage to have a lot of personal time – daily. What I really want now is someone who will accompany me. Just a one on one friendship because big groups aren’t really my thing. Big groups scare me. I have been eating in a group of more than 10 people (my entire class)  and I hate it because it makes me really shy.

Also, it’ll be a plus for me to have a one on one friendship because I really need a person who can follow me to places. To be honest, I don’t go out a lot and if I do, it will be always very nearby for necessities. Other than that, I stay at home.

Behind all of that is because of my anxiety. My little secret that I’m trying to overcome.

(No one really reads my blog. That’s why I can talk about it here. Only my closest friend who is studying in Australia reads it and overseas readers that I don’t know.)

I know my anxiety isn’t that serious because I am able to pretend that I’m fine with eating in big groups and doing some things myself. But the truth is, I am terrified although I am so good at faking it. Like they say, fake it till it becomes real.

I know it’s weird and insane but I find myself in situations that I shouldn’t even worry about like buying food in somewhere new. I worry about the different systems they might use like whether you pay first or pay later, or do you take the food you choose and pay it at the counter  or do you pay directly at the same place. Sometimes, to avoid all of this, I tend to follow my friends to buy things to eat together just to calm my nerves.

Even sometimes at home (as in my new home for university) when I can walk a distance to the local hawker stores, I hesitate and end up eating instant noodles or sandwiches for dinner. As much as I want proper dinner food, I sacrifice all that away just because of anxiety.

I want to get rid of my anxiety so badly but I have no idea where to start.

But maybe, just maybe, it is like depression. Maybe it takes time and baby steps to take it away completely. *Sighs* I don’t know 😦

I’m totally a mess…

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx

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