Cafeteria, People & Clothes

Usually the cafeteria is quite empty but today, there were so many people. I felt so self-conscious and aware of my surroundings. Furthermore, I feel my anxiety coming into play because I was intimidated by the scene. It felt like I was back in secondary school whereby the cafeteria is full with people.

Is there any place for me to catch my breath? Nope. I haven’t found one but I have a feeling there’s no place I can catch a breath.

So while I was queuing up to pay for my food, I kept thinking about the slow line. I just wanted to get out of the line and go eat my food where I’ll feel better surrounded by my classmates. It felt so long in the line. There were so many people I don’t know.

When I told one of my classmates that I was intimidated by the big crowds today, she asked if I was an introvert. I told her I wasn’t. I am somewhere in between extrovert and introvert, that is an ambivert. It depends on the situation. Sometimes, I’m okay to be in large crowds, sometimes I’m not okay to be in large crowds.

But then, of course, I never mentioned anything about my anxiety…

And then for a moment, I wonder if my anxiety is getting worse here. And then suddenly I saw this very tall guy who I suspect is my cousin’s friend who is about six or five years older than I am.  I’m quite sure it is my cousin’s friend but I don’t dare to say “Hi”. What if I got it all wrong and get embarrassed?

So of course I just secretly glance at him and keep working it out in my head if he is my cousin’s friend. Apparently he told my cousin that he saw someone that looks like my brother (I finally got the full story) and I don’t know if my cousin did tell him that it’s me. He could at least say “Hi” since he recognized my sibling’s face in me.(LOL) After all, I have never meet him before. Or maybe, I got the wrong guy.

There’s this other thing I worry about. It’s the color of my pants that I wore today. Everyone here wears office colours like grey, black, and blue. I wore a grey top but my pants were a striking purple. I suddenly felt wrong. I know it’s okay to stand out but anxiety makes it harder for me to be confident.

So really, how long is it going to take to wipe away anxiety?

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx

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