Walls and More Walls

Yes, people are trying to make me go out during weekdays, which is something I hate doing on weekdays. All I want is do is to stay at home and recharge and mentally prepare myself for the next day. I guess that’s what happens when your emotional walls are up high.

As much as I want to trust people, I can’t seem to do that so well. As much as I want to feel normal, there’s no going back anymore because it is who I am now. These walls are like a protective barrier, making sure that I won’t hurt myself in any way, playing safe all the time.

I promised them I’ll at least have dinner with them on Friday. And hopefully, my mental state will be fine after classes on Friday because if I feel horrible, I don’t know if I can have dinner with them and I don’t think they will understand if I don’t go

i did went out for dinner with this guy. I’m better with one on one dinners or outing. Or at least, a small group of 3-4 people.

After Friday : 

Updates on the dinner on Friday. It was a group of 5 people. Yes, I did felt uncomfortable just a little bit but it isn’t their fault. It’s mine. I  know it. I probably should be getting used to this because the entire class eat together during lunch time.

So after dinner, we went over to one of the guy’s house to hang out, play board game and get to know each other better. I guess, it was nice, although I still can’t talk about my problems. I know a lot of judgmental people so maybe that’s why.

One of my friend asked me how the outing.  I said “not bad” and I immediately regretted saying that because they might have assumed I didn’t really like it? I don’t know. I feel terrible, especially when I know it’s not about them. It’s me.

But that’s just how it is. I still can’t say the words “social anxiety” out loud.

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx

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