Cool, calm like the water that flows in the streams but let’s not forget that water can be ferocious and dangerous at the same time, destroying everything in its path, or being destructive all of a sudden.
That’s how I feel about the things I’m doing but if I have never done these things that I never really wanted, I wouldn’t have met all the awesome people in my life.
If I were to rebel and go for something I like, I wouldn’t be here today.
But that’s just how it is and maybe if I did take the rebel path, I’ll meet people of different awesomeness which would probably scare the shit out of me because this path have already introduced new people whom I am glad to be with. So what happens if I did take the rebel path? Would I like it?
It is likely that I will like it but it wouldn’t be the same. My parents would probably be disappointed. I’ll be even more distant with them because I know they’ll never truly understand. And plus, people will talk about how I could have done something better because apparently they supposedly know me better than I do.
So here’s my mantra. Here’s the thing that has been on my mind.
“I’m doing this for my family. I’m doing this as a motivator to my brothers that everything is possible. I’m doing this for the guy I like. I’m doing this for the world. I’m doing this so I can help others in the future. I’m doing this just for the sake of doing it and I’m doing this for the hope that I can fulfill my dreams one day through this career in unlimited ways.”
It’s sad really. But I’m trying not to make it sound so depressing although in some ways, it is depressing. But if I manage to go through and adapt to the things I’m not too keen on, I should be able to do this. After all, my entire life is a repetitive cycle of trying, worrying, getting stressed out, getting frustrated, (possible depression coming back), finding ways to cope (sometimes my coping ways aren’t good at all but that’s another story), suffocating, fighting for air, and finally getting relieved instead of basking in success because relief is all I ever wanted. It means so much more than basking in success.
I get tired doing this all over again but I cling on to the words some of my friends say like how “Sleep is for the weak,”. I really take that into serious hold. I live by it sometimes because I just have to get things done. I can’t just sit back and do nothing. Even though I get so exhausted, I push myself further and I swear sometimes, I do wish I could just pass out and wake up in an entirely different world where there is nothing to worry about.
Sometimes, I even consider about what my uni interviewer told me about how it is possible to sleep for 3-4 hours, get power naps from time to time and still function like a normal person. He claims that I’ll have so much time to do things. Should I attempt this lifestyle?
I don’t know anymore. I’ll just try to make it out alive. That’s the main goal anyways.