I Want Anxiety To Leave

Airports are the same. They work the same everywhere. I know that.

But even though my brain understands that the process is simple and everything, another part of me will make it complicated. It will make me think more about whether I’m doing things right or not, especially if I am in an unfamiliar airport. I will be nervous as hell while I am getting through everything. I will get so nervous that I tend to take a look at my boarding pass as many times as possible. I will get so nervous that I use this flight tracker on my phone and wonder if I am at the right gate or not. Even though I know you can check your gate numbers everywhere, I still panic. That’s how bad it gets with anxiety.

But then of course, people will think you’re being ridiculously stupid.

I know, I KNOW I’M BEING OVER SOME TIMES but I CAN’T STOP IT!

It’s not something that goes away quickly. I wish I didn’t even have anxiety to begin with but I believe it came as a side effect of my depression.

Like today when we had lunch at White Curry Noodle. I was left alone while my boyfriend went to help my friends get a parking spot. I was okay with him helping them out. It’s a good thing. I believed my anxiety issues were getting better by then. But then I realized, it’s still there. I couldn’t keep my head up I swear. I kept fiddling with the menu and scrolling through my phone. Even texted my best friend who understands how I feel just so I will feel better. And then when they finally came, after what felt like forever, my nerves calmed down. You would not believe the relief I felt.

I kept telling myself it’s fine but it feels like I’m lying to myself over and over again while anxiety takes over me.

By the way, anxiety doesn’t make someone clingy. It makes someone in need of company so they won’t be a wreck. There’s a difference.

Anxiety may make me seem selfish for wanting someone to stick beside me so sometimes, I force myself to endure it just for the sake of others who don’t know about it, as well as the ones who do. But doing this over and over again makes me wonder when will I truly be free from this mess because it has been for so long already. Time heals you but time is definitely taking a sweet time with this. I just want it gone so badly.

Stay strong,

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx

 

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