Grief Affects You

I thought I could handle classes. So wrong I was. I broke down thinking about her, thinking about everything.

When the lecturer said : Do you need some air?

Gosh I went out of the class trying to hold it back in and then once I’m outside, I ran to the toilet and let it out. It was a good cry but my eyes have been feeling swollen for quite a while now. It messed me up bad. I wore eyeliner that day just to prevent myself from crying but it failed anyways. I had to remove it.

I texted my close group of friends for emotional support.

A few of them called after that. I appreciate that although I couldn’t talk properly. Broken voices and tears streaming once I hear their voices. I’m not usually like this but this few days have been really, really tough on me. Knowing someone who committed suicide really changes things.

And then at home, I napped for 6 hours, from 8pm to 1.50am. I woke up feeling very messed up either ways. As much as I need distractions, I don’t know where I can get 24/7 distractions.

So hence, I’m blogging at 2:33am because I know I won’t be able to sleep anymore. I haven’t got anything done and my mid terms are next week. I know I have to get my mind straight but I can’t seem to do so.

Grief certainly is an impact on me and whenever I look in the  mirror now, I see the girl who has been suffering for so long. I look the same. I have the same hairstyle since a long time ago. The only difference is the waves my hairstylist put in.  But either ways, there is not much difference. This makes me want to try something new but I’m afraid of something new because what if I don’t like it? But I know that maybe I should attempt to either chop of my long locks or dye it just to get a different feel, instead of feeling like the same girl with haunting memories.

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx

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