One Step Closer To A Better Mindset?

One of my lecturers took the time to talk to me today. It felt so good to hear her say, “Don’t worry about your mid terms,” because all my life, the other adults have been telling me how I don’t do enough and that I should be very worried. For once I actually felt some tension released although I know I’m disappointed in myself for screwing up today’s afternoon paper. Honestly, out of all the papers I have sat for, this one has just broken a new record in my books. I have never been so unprepared before. This makes me want to go do the extra miles for the last two papers tomorrow.

Anyways, I’ve always wanted professional counseling. I secretly wanted to go for the one my secondary school had but unfortunately, it is school and everyone knows you. Everyone will talk and rumours will spread like wildfire once they see you getting weekly counselling.

There was counselling at college too but I was reluctant to go because it didn’t seem so professional and plus that college has a big campus which equals to so many students; many eyes.

But then all of a sudden in uni, I am so up for it. I guess it’s because of the small classes I’m in, and because of the changes taking charge in my life, as well as the open-mindedness of the 2 people I know at uni, who both know about my issues.

Basically, most may assume that I’m going for grief counselling since my friend committed suicide and my great-aunt passed away. But that’s just one of the many reasons.

My other reasons include trying to leave anxiety behind and trying to figure out if my depression has truly left entirely after 5 years. I have a feeling it’s still somewhere there, at the back of my head because I can think about suicide without feeling guilty. Don’t worry about this because I know suicide isn’t the answer to escaping life. You have to face your problems straight ahead like an angrily motivated bull charging towards an enemy.

Honestly, I’m a little terrified and excited at the same time to find out what it’s like to get professional counselling. I have never been so open about my issues until now. Strangely, it feels rather nice to know that there are people who understand. I guess there’s still hope in the world after all.

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx

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