Emotional Friday

Had a long talk with one of my friends last night and then  she told me how her  brother said that “Depression shouldn’t even be labelled, because maybe it’s just something tough you are going through for a while and you think it’s depression.

I didn’t want to fight this. I was too tired to tell her my point of view.

But thinking about it, when one stays sad, numb and suicidal for so many years, it can’t be any normal problems right? If it’s a normal problem, it shouldn’t last so long. It’s the feeling that stays there, that brings you down no matter how much you don’t want it to. If I could remove the feeling, I would, but I can’t. It doesn’t work like throwing out the trash. And what about suicidal thoughts?

So then I said, “I can understand where your brother is coming from.”

What I really meant was that, he has never gone through it so he wouldn’t even understand the dark clouds around us everyday. He may be a graduated medical student but that doesn’t mean he understand mental illness. He wouldn’t know the real deal of depression, but of course, I said no more. I just let her talk. I guess I got too tired of defending what mental illness really is when people here don’t get it.

But then that day, someone else actually understood what mental illness is like.

He texted me at about 11pm and asked how I was. He got my name wrongly but never mind that. He then proceeded to send my links of his religious beliefs when it comes to things like this. He did ask if it was okay for him to do that. I said I didn’t mind. So I read the articles he sent, the video and verses. Because of his effort, I decided I should try even harder to push away my issues and get my drive back.

Earlier that day when I had a chat with him, he told me that he have friends who would bring him out to talk whenever he is in a mood. Those are some really good friends. But I guess it’s because the people at his country are more open minded whereas the people here are not open minded at all, which makes things difficult.

Thinking further, I should get a car of my own next time so I can drive far far away and blast my favourite songs without anyone judging my song choices. I think I’m that sort of person who loves driving out with no destination in my mind. It’s not the destination I want reach, it’s the freedom and spontaneity I want to have, as well as the “I-can-go-out-whenever-I-want-to-without-relying-on-anyone-else”.

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx

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