I’m Not Alright

Money can’t buy true happiness but it can get you temporary happiness.

I think I’m starting to get addicted to temporary happiness and that’s a bad thing. Temporary happiness to me comes in the form of spending on food and clothes and things I like, as well as spending time with a bunch of friends. The only part that surprises me is spending time with friends because usually, I don’t like hanging out so much but lately, I have been doing that. I guess maybe I do it to distract myself from thoughts I should avoid.

All these make me so happy but then at the end of the day, I’ll feel extremely exhausted. I’ll feel mentally drained and I pretty much want to go back into hiding but I still hold on and go out more because I’m so bloody afraid of the things I’m capable of in my room.

Being alone used to be something I love to do but looking back, being alone makes me do things I shouldn’t do as well. My coping methods were not good at all. It involves alcohol, penknife, lighter, paper, tears, panic attacks, depressing songs and suicidal thoughts. I’m afraid of doing these things again but some seem very tempting.

Secretly, I’m starting to wonder if those things I did got me fighting for my life that time. This is so messed up. In a way, it might have done the trick. It might have actually got me back up at some point. And now that I think about it, what actually made me fight all those years? There are so many possibilities but why did I fight? Why did I try to survive the cold cruel world? What made me fight? Why try when I could leave the world with a question mark? Why do it for the others when the others never even realize how selfish they are? Why live in pain for the rest? Why? Just Why?!

As you can see, I’m tired. I’m very, very tired. I’m falling back into another spiral. I’m trying to get back my drive but I can’t seem to find it. Hopefully it appears soon or else I’m going to screw up so many things and that could be the end of it.

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx


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