My weakness is still bright and clear in my mind.

I don’t know why I think what I think or do what I do.

Most of the time, a part of me will dominate and say, “Let’s just get this thing over with. You got this.” Another part of me will stay silent. But when whatever happens next, the silent part of me will suddenly dominate and wish that there was an escape route. It will keep pestering in my mind no matter how much I try to push it back to where it belongs, at the back of the head.

And that’s where the phone comes in handy. It’s suddenly my best friend. I know it’s rude to text or check the phone while eating but sometimes, I really can’t help it. I’ve tried my best nowadays to just grip onto my phone instead of texting or checking something out online. Holding on to it at least give me a ground to hold on to. Unless I really can’t take it anymore, I would do something about it.

Looking around seems to help too. It’s always interesting to know what’s going on in the surroundings. It’s rather calming although sometimes you’ll notice things you don’t want to notice, such as the creep that keeps looking your way or the weird things some people do.

Sometimes I wish people would understand anxiety better. At the same time, I keep telling myself that I cannot blame them for not understanding. But somehow, telling myself that over and over again makes me lose it a little because it’s frustrating to be misunderstood. *Sigh* Another part of me thinks pretending to be able to handle it seems way easier than getting someone to understand. Like they say, fake it till it becomes real. Here’s to me hoping that faking not having anxiety will slowly erase anxiety.

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx



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