Mini Trauma

I have been called “stupid” so many times I believe it.

When it’s someone close to you who calls you stupid in a tone that meant business, you take it in, not believing it at first until it happens over and over again.

It stresses me out because they don’t know how tired I am, making it this far. They claim that “I don’t study the way they advice me to,” but everyone have different studying methods. Some may take longer than others but as long as you get there, it’s fine.

Being called “stupid” also makes me feel the pressure (all the time) to study and study and study everyday non-stop. There are times when I get so frustrated, I break down in the middle of studying. I’ll stop studying for a while, get my composure back and study again. And then when I overwork my brain, I tend to get headaches so I’ll take a Panadol and get on with studying.

I remember when I got all As in a public exam and his reaction was, “That’s still not good enough.” In contrast, I have friends whose parents celebrate the straight As. They go out for a nice dinner or do something fun.

What’s worse is that I know people who get Bs and yet, their parents still rejoice.

When their parents ask if I did celebrate, I’ll come up with this excuse, “Getting straight As is so normal already. Everyone can do it. There is nothing to celebrate. I don’t need a celebration.”

This usually swiftly ends the conversation about results.

Honestly, this still haunts me. It’s like a deep scar because whoever called me stupid said it in a very harsh way and considering that situation back then when they obviously didn’t know the dark turmoil I was in, it felt true. I felt like the stupidest person alive, whether it comes to academic or life choices. I felt like there was no point living anymore. I thought I was better off somewhere else and they were better off without me. I thought my life was over at one point. I thought it was the end.

It’s difficult to explain the entire situation clearly to why I got so hurt over being called stupid but I do remember one situation when I was learning advanced math and my teacher (someone close to me) got so mad at my slow thinking that he straight up said “Why are you so stupid?” and then he slammed the books and hit me. It was not just advanced math. Other things too.

Some days, I still hear the word “stupid” shouting in my head even when I know no one’s saying that. It just sound so real that it gives me a sudden scare. It’s like trauma.

So being away from home is something I really appreciate most of the time so I try my best to be somewhere else as long as possible although I still have to return home from time to time. 

That’s all.

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx

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