Running Thoughts On Fears

Have you ever seen the same repetitive cycle so many times that if new experiences turn out different, you don’t quite believe it although you want to believe in it so badly. You’ll assume your mind is playing tricks on you. You’ll also create or find as many reasons as possible to explain why things turn out differently and not the way you have seen it happened a million times.

Unintentionally, I’ll try to figure out if a person is playing tricks with me or if they have a motive behind what they’re doing. It’s the fear of getting hurt again that terrifies me. I have enough of it.

At the same time, it’s the fear of losing people who matters.

Based on my understanding, losing people happens. But when you lose people you have known your entire life or people who you are very close too, it cuts deep. I have to say that as much as I love those close to me, they should know that they are very capable of killing me. (Because one big blow from them will hurt me more than anyone else.) Maybe that’s why I only consider a few people the ones that matter.

The thing is, this cycle of losing people have repeated so many times that I’m tired and now, my motive in life is forming bonds with people who will last my entire lifetime.

Moving on, I realized my instincts never falter due to the fact that I have seen so many things coming.

Now, I realized that I have to act quick or do something about some things before letting my predictions prove me right again. But can I afford to do this every time?

Truthfully, no.

In my opinion, if you trust too much, you let things accumulate and that’s game over because once things accumulate until a certain point, situations change and so many things can happen. Being the pessimist or as I call it a realist, I say that hurtful things are most likely to happen.

Yes, I talked to my friend about this over the phone and he understood my situation but when it comes to my additional worries of the future, he told me that it’s just my anxiety coming through. I partly agree.

A part of me thinks that it’s true that my anxiety is the factor but another part of me thinks I should be even more guarded and ready at any possible future hurtful event(s) so that I won’t drown and hurt myself so much. I could at least reassure myself and say, “I have seen this coming. I should have known. This is what happens when you don’t trust your instinct.”

But then again, I’ll be telling myself lies just to pretend that I’m okay when I’m ignoring the part of me that really wants to fade. And I know the lies won’t last long. It would be a temporary solution to the pain but the mind always knows the best and worst ways to end pain.

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx

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