Birthday Blues

Birthdays.

I’m making mine a very big deal this year because I never really had the birthday celebration I always wanted.

So the original plan is that I go clubbing. It’s not exactly something I want for my birthday but I could try something new because why not? And plus, I love dancing.

But at the same time, I rather celebrate with a few people while another part of me wants to not celebrate it because it is being its negative self.

It’s complicated. I over think.

There was one point in life where this person made me saw birthdays as stupid celebrations. He said, and I quote, “It’s just one step closer to death. And plus, no one cares when it’s your birthday. Just a simple greeting and that’s it.”

I thought he was right at a certain extend because that’s how I felt about the simple greeting, especially when it comes to people you are so close with. It’s just so disappointing when people who should remember forgets about it when you always remember theirs.

To be exact, there’s 3 more days to my birthday (this Tuesday) and I don’t know how to feel about it.

I was actually excited about it a month ago. But now, I wish time could slow down. Let me still be seventeen because eighteen seems way too fast. It’s not the number but the feeling that being one year older equals changes. It means you have to be more responsible. It means you have to be more mature. It means you have successfully sort of wasted 18 years not doing what you really want to do most of the time.

I get that being 18 soon is still young and that there’s still time to do what you want but what if you aren’t able to do it? What if you are stuck in all your responsibilities that you have absolutely no time because free time is for resting the tired mind and body?

On the bright side, I sort of hope and believe that my birthday this year will be better than the years I spent feeling sad and depressed on it.

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx

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