Dear father and mother,
If it ends that way, so be it.
You see, long gone were the praises of my first baby steps or the first word i said or the first exam I took. Ever since then, you have replaced it with immense criticism over and over again and instead of making me walk further, you have been pulling me down until I crawl on my knees, crouching at the corner of the room, wondering what went wrong with me, beating up myself with negativity. I see failure all the time now and the reflection on my mirror shows the possibility of a complete failure. It drives me insane. It drives me to do things I shouldn’t do but instead of using a knife like I used to, it was him who held me down and encouraged scribbling on my wrist with black ink instead. It was her who send me quotes of positivity, making me feel not alone.
When I got home, you called up and I cried saying, “I’m trying my best,” over and over again but did it ever hit you to know that I have been so tired my entire life?
It feels as if everything I have ever done were for you. I gave up what I want for you. I gave up what I love for you and the more advice you give me, I wish I could tell you that I’m already broken a long time ago and you don’t even realize it. I just put on a face and take everything in while my insides deteriorate. Sometimes I wonder if I am a robot for life. Am I not allowed to have feelings, emotions and contradicting opinions? Am I programmed to view everything and do everything your way and not mine?
And yet, you tell me I should trust you when my trust for you was never there because you hurt me more than anything by not trusting me as well.
To be frank, I don’t want to go home just like that. I rather be far away to deal with myself. I’m tired of the expectations, the heavy weight of responsibilities that were never mine to start with and the thoughts I have to push away or else speaking out will only and always get me into trouble.
I know me and I hate troubles so I stay quiet.
You call again and you ask, “What is your priority?” I said I know my priorities. I tried telling you that your sharp words are affecting my ability to study and you think it’s ridiculous and stupid. Now I’m relying on supplements that you’ll never know I bought. I’m just that desperate to get back to normal but you’re not helping at all.
Sometimes, I know I ask for things that are deemed ridiculous. Call me a Scrooge who despises just next year’s Chinese New Year but I really don’t want to go home. Just let me skip it for once because I’m just that tired. I rather be by myself, finding my inner strength again and finding myself. I don’t care about the number of red packets I’ll get because money can never truly satisfy my pain. Either ways, I know you’ll keep the red packets for me and put them into my savings.
Sometimes, I wish you would open your mind and hear me out. Hear not only the words but the feeling that comes with it. See not only the surface but what’s beneath it. Feel not only your feelings but mine that comes with it.
And one thing I know for sure is that you’ll never receive this letter.
Your only daughter.