That’s one feeling I know I felt today, apart from the mess of other emotions tangled up like earphones.
Let’s take lunch for an example.
My inner thoughts were like : Why am I with these people?
Let’s rewind to before lunch.
Have this in your mind. So the car was full. Hence, one person sacrificed to stay at uni instead of going to eat with all of us. I almost wanted to get out to join him instead but I was trapped in the middle of the backseat.
Anyways, during the car ride.
(At the backseat it was me, another girl and 2 guys.)
I was quiet, thoughts pouring into my mind while I listen to conversations and honestly, the conversation they were having next to me made me want to drop everything and get out immediately. As much as I wanted to , I was able to tolerate it.
I guess it all comes down to the standards I have been living with so I just sat there, cringing internally.
Let’s move on to lunch.
Everyone ordered food except that girl and that made me lose it. If she didn’t want the food there, she didn’t have to come. The guy who stayed back at uni could have come instead and eat something. I swear people can be so selfish some times.
Apart from that, I can’t say I liked today’s lunch. Something felt so off. I think I rather have lunch alone or with people I’m more comfortable with. Out of everyone at the lunch table, I was only comfortable with two of them. The rest was just there.
And I can’t help but notice the weird friendship going in between the guy who sat across me and that girl. It made me wish I wasn’t sitting that side but it proved to me over and over again that maturity doesn’t always come with age.
Back at uni.
All that thinking made me very exhausted and after having that lunch, I felt so mentally drained. Thinking about it, after hearing their conversation and seeing weird things going on, I wanted to stay away from them any way possible.
Sometimes, in my head, I know I’m smarter than this. I keep telling myself that I should be smarter than this. Although I’m not easily swayed, I feel like I have let myself down a lot lately.
I wonder if it comes down to the people here too. I feel like I need to spend more time during the holidays with people of a certain quality. I have to only allow worries and insecurities in my room only. I need to keep my composure like I always do.