I Don’t Feel Pain Unless…

When shit happens, I can put into words of how I should feel.

I could say I feel “mad, sad, angry or disappointed” but honestly, I don’t even feel that way. I feel nothing. All I know is how I should feel about it.

Not surprisingly, this happens most of the time when it comes to friends who do things that should hurt my feelings. Maybe 5 years ago I would be quite affected but now it’s like whatever.

I don’t even feel hurt. I laugh about it too when my other friends tell me truths sometimes. What’s worse is when you find out the truth from someone least expected. But that makes me laugh even more because I already know how easy it is to find things out like that. I’m so good at piecing different stories together I could be a detective. That’ll be a great backup plan. *laughs*

But again… a friend could hurt me a million ways and I wouldn’t even feel it. I could look at them and laugh and wave them goodbye, thinking about the things I should do next. Friends who hurt me doesn’t even come close to the surface labelled ‘pain’. Only the worse things can hurt.

Sometimes, I hate the fact that I’m not normal at all. I know I should hurt at some things but I can’t seem to feel that pain.

It reminds me of the other day when I didn’t attend class and no one told me about the sudden practical session we had later in the afternoon. Instead of being mad, I was smiling and laughing about it like it was nothing. In fact, it was nothing to me. The normal people around me were upset and mad but I was there feeling like a free butterfly.

I guess the only things that do really hurt me are :

  • when certain people don’t keep the trust
  • when my parents doubt me and don’t believe how serious my issues are
  • when I feel hollow and don’t know what to do about it
  • when I want a certain someone to accompany me but I wouldn’t force it so I hurt instead and brush it off
  • When I miss certain people

It’s just these.

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx

 

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