The number of times I want to give up in a day is amazingly crazy but as much as I can just drop dead, I made a promise and I hate breaking that promise because that promise mean so much to me.
As much as everything else is hurting every single part of me, it takes so much effort for me to take a deep breath to suppress the part of me that says, “You’re dead already. Might as well get over with it.”
But one look at the one thing that mean so much to me just makes me put in more effort to stop my suicidal mind. But apart from suppressing my suicidal self, there are responsibilities to fulfill and I feel it dragging me down.
Sometimes I wonder if I didn’t lie in my uni application about my mental health, would they still take me in and maybe allow some leniency? (Considering it’s an Asian country, I don’t think they will accept me if they knew about my insanity.) To be honest, I don’t want to be treated like I’m not normal but sometimes I do need some leniency.
In my experience, depression really makes it so hard for a person to focus. I can’t stay put in one place to study. I can’t focus a hundred percent. I lose motivation way too easily and I just want to breakdown every time I believe I will not make it out alive.
It’s a frustrating cycle that I keep living over and over again and the breakdown can either be way too silent or way too loud. I could either be down in the trenches, thinking about what a failure I am or I could be loud about it and start rummaging my room for anything that will calm me down which usually ends up with me lying on the bathroom floor with the entire room messed up. But either ways, both of them end up with me scribbling ink graffiti all over my skin and in some cases, I become a carver, making a few lines of red.
Lately, it’s been getting really difficult to suppress everything but being in the presence of someone other than myself stops me from doing things I want to do to myself.
I’m so exhausted. I don’t think I can make it.