It’s Not Easy

When people assume it’s easy. It’s not. It never was or is to me anyways.

When I give them the direct explanation (because they know of my mental issues), I tend to feel rather embarrassed because it sounds stupid. It makes me seem stupid. What’s worse is that I already think I’m stupid even though I know depression slows down thinking because negative thinking changes the way  chemicals are released in the brain.

“Take depression as an example: common symptoms include mood changes (obviously) but also difficulty with cognitive functioning-trouble remembering things, difficulty making decisions, planning, setting priorities, and taking action. These are symptoms that every therapist, psychiatrist, and other medical doctor see on a daily basis in people with depression.  Brain imaging studies using MRI scanning show that these common day-to-day depression symptoms are associated with abnormalities in specific areas of the brain, including the hippocampus (the memory center), the anterior cingulate (the brain’s conflict-resolution area), and the prefrontal cortex (involved with planning and executing activities). ” – Psychology Today,

I’m not going to lie but it’s tough competing against people who have normal functioning brain. That’s why I don’t compare. I don’t even want to know anyone else’s grades or let anyone else know my grades. I rather be clueless about it because comparing makes me hate myself even more.

I’m already trying to improve my memory with those supplements but I don’t know if it’s working or not. All I can say to people is that my depression affects my studies but I don’t think they really understand how bad it gets.

As much as I have given up on myself a thousand times, I don’t know why I still try, and try. It’s exhausting and I wish people knew how difficult it is for me.

Secretly, I have been researching if depression can get me leniency but I don’t think it will work.

So for people like me, it always have been about trying our very best to pass. I get it. Passes are what we want but somehow, those results make us work for it harder than any other. It’s upsetting, disappointing and discouraging. I don’t how I am still here.

I swear I stopped believing in so many, many things.


Signing off,



One thought on “It’s Not Easy

  1. It’s hard not to feel like you have to apologize for being you but you do not need to apologize for being you EVER it is the ones who ever judge you who should apologize. It is hard to feel that you are as good as anyone else but you ARE and that is something you must try never to forget. YOU ARE.

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s