When people assume it’s easy. It’s not. It never was or is to me anyways.
When I give them the direct explanation (because they know of my mental issues), I tend to feel rather embarrassed because it sounds stupid. It makes me seem stupid. What’s worse is that I already think I’m stupid even though I know depression slows down thinking because negative thinking changes the way chemicals are released in the brain.
“Take depression as an example: common symptoms include mood changes (obviously) but also difficulty with cognitive functioning-trouble remembering things, difficulty making decisions, planning, setting priorities, and taking action. These are symptoms that every therapist, psychiatrist, and other medical doctor see on a daily basis in people with depression. Brain imaging studies using MRI scanning show that these common day-to-day depression symptoms are associated with abnormalities in specific areas of the brain, including the hippocampus (the memory center), the anterior cingulate (the brain’s conflict-resolution area), and the prefrontal cortex (involved with planning and executing activities). ” – Psychology Today, http://www.psychologytoday.com
I’m not going to lie but it’s tough competing against people who have normal functioning brain. That’s why I don’t compare. I don’t even want to know anyone else’s grades or let anyone else know my grades. I rather be clueless about it because comparing makes me hate myself even more.
I’m already trying to improve my memory with those supplements but I don’t know if it’s working or not. All I can say to people is that my depression affects my studies but I don’t think they really understand how bad it gets.
As much as I have given up on myself a thousand times, I don’t know why I still try, and try. It’s exhausting and I wish people knew how difficult it is for me.
Secretly, I have been researching if depression can get me leniency but I don’t think it will work.
So for people like me, it always have been about trying our very best to pass. I get it. Passes are what we want but somehow, those results make us work for it harder than any other. It’s upsetting, disappointing and discouraging. I don’t how I am still here.
I swear I stopped believing in so many, many things.