I think I know where it went wrong this time.
I was alright after some sad events. But then, I let myself fall back into the dark clouds. I let my priorities slip away. I unknowingly searched for distractions, putting away the focus of certain things that matter more, knowing the amount of effort I actually need to get things done.
I let my discipline slip away.
I let myself go back to the time where I thought sleep was bliss because I don’t have to worry about anything when I sleep.
It’s all my fault that I let myself down. I know if I had done everything in advance, this wouldn’t happen but I let it happen without a single care in the world. And now, I live with regrets but my friend says it’s better to fail now than later. It’s okay to be embarrassed because that’s what makes you stronger. After this mistake, I won’t repeat it again. I won’t let my discipline slip away again and let my dark side cloud my vision and goal.
There’s so many things I would change if I could turn back time but time doesn’t allow that.
The only thing I can do now is to move on, and work hard to fix things. Yes, I should allow myself to break down when I’m tired but I should not allow myself to rest after breaking down. I should get back up immediately like I used to. I should break down and fight this out alone because I realize, breaking down in front of others actually makes them worry about you when in fact you don’t want them to worry; you want them to tell you that you can make it, that you can fix things.
Lately, I know my mental illness have brought people closer to me and a few others further away. Those who I fear are slipping out of my grasp, I don’t blame them. But for those who inch closer to me, bless you for that. You’ll forever be the names in my book that I will appreciate. You’ll forever be referred to when I succeed. You’ll forever be remembered and I’ll always keep up with you no matter how far our future lives are from each other.
So here’s my plan for 2017
- Ignore the lecturers’ judgmental gaze and questionings on why I didn’t do well in the first semester because I think my explanation will seem way to long and way to difficult to understand or it may seem a little too sentimental or it may seem like an excuse to them because they don’t really know what happened to me.
- Don’t do things last-minute ever again
- Break down but get back up immediately
- Grind till I make it there
- Spend more time alone
- Divide out time for people who matter
Overall, I know I can make it because I have seen this process a million times. I did badly back in secondary school but at the big final exam, I got great results. So why the hell am I worried about not making it through? Hell, I know I can make it. I’m not stupid. I’m just distracted. Very distracted by everything else.
Hell – this is all about me now. I’m making this issue completely mine and no one else’s. I’m doing this for myself. Not for anyone else (although indirectly, it will positively influence other factors of life).
I just hope the people who matter the most around me can bear with me.