3am Nerves

It’s 3am and I still can’t sleep because of my anxiety issues.

I’m worried about not making it. I’m worrying about the what ifs because I realized so many things come with criterias. Even love comes with its own set of criterias.

I realize people are very capable of throwing you away no matter how much they like or love you just because you don’t fulfil certain criterias. And it sucks because love should be something without boundaries, rules and criterias. Love should be free. Love should not depend on whether you’re compatible based on careers or background. Love should be about happiness.

My worries extend further when I think of everything I will very likely lose if I don’t make it next year. It would break me so badly that I very possibly will let the dark consume me completely. And that will be the end of me.

I know I can make it as long as I work hard but there’s always that extreme pessimistic part of me that makes me doubt my own abilities. I need someone who can motivate me from time to time and tell me that I can do it because there are days when I get so weak due to overthinking.

There are days when I just want to give up and crawl into my bed sheets, contemplating and regretting everything I have ever done. There are days when I need someone besides me to make me feel like I have not lost everything yet. There are also days when I need someone to comfort me and stop my running thoughts because I should live in the present, rather than dwell in the past or future.

To be honest, there’s this part of me that knows how much my insanity can scare people away. I fear abandonment. I fear losing people that mean way too much to me because I know many that could not handle the real me. I also know those who almost gave up on me but didn’t after I stopped telling them my problems, hiding how I really feel, making them think I’m okay when in fact I’m still in a constant battle. Because of this, I fear asking too much from a person. Hence, at the end of the day, it always feel so cold because it seems as if no one truly cares as I fight the battle alone.

It would feel so cold I would imagine someone next to me in bed (someone I love), telling me everything’s okay as I try to sleep and not think. It would feel so cold that even the blankets could not warm me up as I hug the bolster tightly. Sometimes, lone tears fall as I try to supress my self-directed criticisms.

I have to admit I should be so used to the cold nights but lately, it has been even frostier. I’ve used my imagination of someone next to me at night since forever and it has helped me get some sleep.

I know I’m a mess but I can be one of the best thing too when I’m not a mess.

Yes I appreciate Angie for always listening to my emotional rants but she’s technically the only one who never gave up on me.

Patience is a virtue and if you could be patient with me, not give up on me, and be there for me no matter what till the very end, the future will definitely be damn good for you. I mean it.

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx

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