Secretly Not So Solo

Sometimes the things I do or the perspective I have are all the outcomes of pain that I’ve been through. And because of that, I don’t want anyone else going through what I’ve gone through so every time I make a mistake or hurt someone, I’ll try to not repeat the same mistakes. I’ll recalculate and reconsider my actions, my reactions and my words.

But sometimes, it gets kind of tiring because I try to be very careful with everything I do, considering all possible outcomes to different situations which ends up with me tolerating everything. There are days when I wonder why I tolerate everything and whether I should just let my anger flare up and show but at the end of the day, I still tolerate everything.

In the long run, I learn to not give up on anyone but it’s difficult finding people who won’t give up on me.

(Thank you Angie once again for not giving up on me and for always being there.)

Giving up seems so simple. It’s funny because I give up on my own personal issues so much more easily than others. And again, my counselor is right. I should love myself more and focus on myself  more than anyone else. I shouldn’t neglect myself because I tend to neglect and hate myself over and over again. I tend to keep doing things for others when I’ve never done anything for myself because of my own fears.

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I remembered when I craved a good bagel. I found a place online with good reviews and I could have went alone but anxiety prevented me. This happens when it’s a new place. If I have been to a cafe with someone else before, I would feel more comfortable going alone the next time. So instead of focusing on what I want, I let my craving run for days. I hate myself for doing that. In the end, I never went to that place because I was afraid. I was afraid of the possible amount of people in the bagel cafe, I was afraid of the system they might use which could possibly differ from other cafes. Yes – I think too much – it’s a disease.

So when I mentioned I wanted bagels to someone else and they didn’t want bagels, I tend to just end up letting them pick the place, wondering what an idiot I am for expecting people to go to places I want to go. To be honest, this isn’t the only time this has happened. It has happened way too many times and it proves how much I put aside myself just for other people. To be honest, I don’t mind but thinking about it, I really do cast myself away.

And that’s when I reminded myself that a person should never ever keep depending on another. I knew that 5 years ago but it’s still quite tough to be all so independent when you have anxiety issues. So to be honest, the only places I go alone are places that I’ve been to a lot.

Honestly, I’m trying to step out of my comfort zone more often and I think I have done quite a good job because I’m getting so comfortable with getting my own Uber rides.

But really, yes, I should stop pushing myself away.

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx

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