Living With Baggages

How does it feel like, living with depression and anxiety, considering they are quite conflicting sometimes.

Depression:

  • Some days, I really don’t care about failing or destroying myself. I’m not even afraid of the consequences that I know will happen. I just let myself rot.
  • Most days, I wish I could stay in my room studying at my own pace because I tend to get distracted in class. I also have to admit I fear the lecturers a tiny bit.
  • Some days, I look into the mirror and think about how ugly I look. I tend to use this as something to blame whenever some things happen.
  • I sleep too much and I will still feel tired even though I have slept for more than 12 hours. I can wake up a few times and go back to sleep again and again every day. I tend to lucid dream every night and I love it. I’m addicted to it. Sometimes I wish I don’t have to wake up from it.
  • Waking up is a constant struggle so when people complain about not being able to wake up early, I get quite annoyed because they don’t know that it isway more tough for depressed people like me to get up. There’s a cycle to getting up. I tend to set more than 20 alarms just to make sure I get up. Let’s say I have to get up at 8am. I’ll start putting alarms from 6am. I am constantly groaning about facing the real world. I just want to keep sleeping and not wake up. Reality sucks.
  • Sometimes I feel down for no reason. When someone ask me why, I don’t know how to explain it because I don’t know the reason to it too.
  • I tend to breath out quite loudly from time to time. I guess I’m just tired from the day.
  • I need my own time. But sometimes, having my own time could be helpful and damaging at the same time.
  • Sometimes I love company. Just one person will do. We don’t have to do much. Just quiet company is sufficient.
  • I feel lonely and hollow quite often.
  • The world feel so cold sometimes.
  • I tend to do things quite slowly sometimes because I lack spirit and motivation.
  • I rely on temporary happiness : shopping, food, YouTube and uber rides whereby the drivers are friendly
  • I lose interest in many things I used to love doing.

Anxiety:

  • Other time, I worry about what I have done to myself. Therefore regretting my actions and worrying excessively over possible future outcomes which somehow all leads to the same ending.
  • It causes sleepless nights, distractions when trying to work and sudden mood kill when I’m supposed to be having fun. I will keep telling myself to stop thinking about things that hasn’t happen or has already passed but I can never stop thinking.
  • I break down feeling overwhelmed or sometimes, I’m just so exhausted.
  • It makes me push aside what I want just so I don’t have to get out of my comfort zone.
  • I rely on people when I don’t want to.
  • I will always think I bother others so don’t blame me if I don’t tell you things or text you first.
  • I tend to take lots of things seriously for the fear of being not good enough.
  • I fear not reaching people’s high expectation of me. I fear disappointing them.
  • I worry about losing people who matter.
  • I tend to get so nervous I must have something to hold on to make me feel bolder.
  • I tend to text my best friend in times of nerve wrecks.
  • I tend to find a place where I can just be alone for a while because everyone else seems so happy and worry free while I’m constantly on my toes.
  • I only go to places I have been to many times.

Sometimes, I take breathers from the public eye to sort myself out again before appearing all normal. It’s really tough because many don’t understand how real these things are. It’s easy to say, “I understand how you feel,” but it’s not easy to really truly understand the amount of courage, hope and effort it takes to live.

Having both anxiety and depression is definitely a struggle because they are both always battling each other. As simply explained below as a summary :

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So updates on my life. I just found out that my depression is in between moderate and severe. I kind of knew it but I needed confirmation of a professional. He suggested something for me to try for a week before seeing him again during the next appointment. So far, I don’t know if it’s working or not. But it’s just the start.

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx

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