Pedestrian

Stand in a moving crowd. Watch how everyone just move forward or move past you. Stand there a few more minutes and realize how everyone goes about doing their own thing and yet you are there, stand-still, not even moving the slightest bit.

That’s how I feel most of the time; trapped, unchanged, unsure, unmotivated, tired and lost. Disconnected even, from the rest of the people around me. I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know where I am, I don’t know how I’m going to make it through alive.

You then take a step forward and stumble two steps back after getting pushed by a rushing individual.

That’s how I feel, when I try to get back up with the weight of the world crashing upon my shoulders. Anxiety creeps in as you try to steady your ground and yet you keep a straight face, trying hard not to show any signs of struggle.

You then put your right foot forward a step.

That’s when the real work starts. You take baby steps to get back up.

You reach a certain point when you feel like you got it back but then at the zebra crossing, the traffic light stops you. It stays red for what seems like forever as vehicles zoom by.

That’s when something stops you from feeling like you are getting better. The red just shines brighter in your face as effortless tears flow. It feels like you are beyond broken. It feels like you’re losing the fight once more. It’s tempting to just rush out onto the streets.

In your head, you assume that it’s better to just throw away your heart because anything your heart wants never end well. After all, it has been proven for so many years so why keep trying to satisfy yourself when you’re not allowed to? Why not be robot? Why not remove all signs of humanity? Lose the emotions, the feelings, the heart? Why not?

Once the green light returns, you stumble forward, remembering reality, pushing yourself further and harder for something that seem worthless. You feel numb, empty, unmotivated but you still try to breathe even though breathing hurts. You still try to make things work, to please everyone and to correct mistakes. You try your best to leave the heart out of things although sometimes you act recklessly to jump start the dying heart.

You are completely, utterly broken inside and yet they don’t realize it.

You can smile. You can laugh. You know things are better if they know less.

I’ll forever be walking on and on in these streets. One day, maybe I’ll be walking on clouds instead of streets.

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx

 

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