Gone

In moments of desperation and anxiety, you make wrong decisions. You can’t tell what’s right or wrong. You fall back. You let it go. You become blind.

An hour later, you regret the shit out. You know what you did and yet it has already happened.

I guess it’s the relapse that’s happening after days of strength. It’s frustrating. There’s no explanation good enough to explain it. I know that. Sometimes, I don’t think there’s an explanation available. It’s just one word that I want to say but it wouldn’t make any sense to an indifferent.

“Depression.”

It makes me lose my judgement, decisions and focus. I’m sorry for the things I do or way for I do and say them without thinking sometimes. I don’t really mean a  lot of things I say. I guess sometimes, it’s just one way of blocking out pain. Other times it’s just mindless, stupid, unhinged, demented and unrecognizable. Mindless because I don’t know what I’m saying. Stupid because I never mean what I say. Unhinged because I’m trying hard to keep it together. Demented because of my irrational behavior at times. Unrecognizable because I go home wondering who I was when I was having impaired judgement which leads to terrible actions.

Honestly, my actions today were backed by one of my good friends whom I have known my entire life. I consulted her before taking action and letting my irrationality come through. I’m so confused now. I really don’t know what I’m doing. She said something about being a little selfish sometimes because there’s a possibility of regretting if I did do something right for someone else.

Maybe all this is driving me nuts. The chase of being good and perfect to everyone. The moment I make mistakes, it’s suddenly the end of the world and I always end up taking the blame. I can take the blame; I’ve gotten so used to self blame and self-hatred. But when I hurt people who mean so much, I wonder why I got involved in their lives. The lesser the involvement, the better it could have been for them because I know the mess I make can be so damaging. I can take damage but I don’t think I ever want to bring damage to someone else.

Thinking about it, I’m such a klutz, a nuisance, a disturbance, a road block. Days like these are days I wish I never existed in anyone’s world.

So yes, I’m going to be taking a break from social medias including WordPress. I don’t really know when I’ll be back but I guess it’ll be for quite a while.

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx

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