Strength in Fear 

Once in a while I will Google : Painless way to die/commit suicide

Normally this occurs during my weakest moments. I haven’t done that in a long while (as in months to a year) but I have to admit I did that a two weeks ago. It may seem as if I’m suicidal but reading about ways to die actually scares me because of the possible pain you have to withstand before being truly dead as well as the chance that you may survive and live with terrible health consequences. Even though I’ve read the same few articles a couple of times describing consequences of if you survive or how long it takes to be truly dead, I don’t know why I feel compelled to Google it when I’m just giving up on life. I guess I’m hoping that there may be an article on a truly painless way to go.

I think I have found one but the possiblity of ever getting it seems near to impossible. It’s assisted suicide (euthanasia). It’s legal in a few countries like Switzerland and Denmark but people who ever received assisted suicide are those living in painful, unbearable medical conditions whereby it’s too painful to be alive. I don’t ever want to abuse this system.

Knowing that it’s close to impossible and the rest of the methods are painful, I just don’t have the guts to ever try committing suicide. I tried pills before but it didn’t work. (But that was before I first Googled ways to die painlessly)

I’m not suggesting you to read up on ways to commit suicide but if you do, I hope it makes you afraid of looking for death like how it affected me. If you survive a hanging, you may live with a broke spine. If you survive jumping of the building, imagine the number of terrible damage you can do to your bones and internal organs. If you survive an overdose of sleeping pills, you might have kidney failure. If you jump onto train tracks and not get decapitated right away, you may watch your seperated limbs a distance away as you continue bleeding painfully before being truly dead. In some countries, failing to commit suicide means facing jail time and hence, your future is ruined.

So yes. I don’t have the guts to do anything like that unless I’m being pushed into that direction and I’m left with no other options. That’ll be when I truly give up and pain seems more favourable than continuing living with another kind of pain. That’ll be when I assume that taking pain from seconds to minutes seem simple and easy enough.

But I am very sure I won’t ever go that far.

Honestly, the weakest moments you have brings out the strongest part of you. Or maybe it’s more like fear that brings out the strongest part  in you. Either ways, it helps to be afraid of some things to prevent yourself from ever doing it.

Anyways, after I researched about it, I did talk to my friend. He’s like my reminder and suicide lifeguard. Although he isn’t in the same place as me, at least he helps me see through things and clear away my suicidal thoughts.

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx

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