Life Not According To Plans

I used to be this very ambitious person. I had my dreams written in a book. I knew where I wanted to go and which institute I wanted to study at ever since I was in primary. I have the paths all sorted out and I’m kind of disappointed and sad that I didn’t stick to it.

I should have been stubborn to not listen and to just picked my own Pre-U course instead of feeling pressured by my dad to take a Pre-U course I didn’t know about my entire life. He thought it was easier than the course I wanted. He was influenced by my cousin’s decisions and he thought I can recreate my cousin’s steps, except faster. I guess it kind of ruined me partly. Sometimes thinking about my lost ambition and fire just bring the waterworks.

As much as I’m trying not to regret because there are some parts that I don’t regret, I just feel the heartache of not being able to live the dream I once had. What was once something I held so closely  to me is now just a memory in my books. The institute that I have been researching all my life is now so distant.

It sucks that I remember getting all excited about it that I got them to send a prospectus to me via post at age 16. It came all the way from England.

This institute was where my dad studied at and got his PhD. The only reason I want to go there is because at one point of my life, I really did look up to him and I wanted to get my own PhD at the same place (except of a different course). I knew it was difficult for him to get into this institute back then and I admired that. It’s one of the best universities.

And plus, I actually planned to study there straight after Pre-U, and just keep staying there till I get my PhD.

As I’m typing up to this point, I’m actually feeling so heartbroken. Gosh, I’m tearing up.

Anyways, I’ve been lying to myself that I’m okay with the path that I’m taking now. It feels like it’s going downhill instead of uphill to be honest. I feel suffocated. I feel lost. I feel disappointed.

It’s not the end of the world but then it hurts a lot because I really held on to that dream since young. It’s just very difficult to move away from it.

But now, I’m hoping that I can enter their Master’s program and later PhD study. I just hope I don’t give up and that it goes well for me.

One thing I probably advise everyone else is to listen to yourself and to stick to your own decisions instead of getting simply swayed.

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx



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