Alive But Dead

Sometimes I wonder if part of my depression comes from thinking too much about things that are impossible to be answered.

I guess us, as in people with depression tend to think about the purpose of life.

“Why am I here still alive?”

“Why am I not dead yet?”

“What’s my purpose when I feel like I don’t have one?”

As we fill our head with more and more questions, we drive ourselves insane because the answer is too complicated. I get that some of us find our answer in religion but what if it’s not enough? Then what do you do because I don’t know what I’m doing sometimes.

I try not to think about it but I tend to fall back and think about it.

And I don’t know if you realize this but I realize the older you are, the more difficult depression becomes to handle. When I was younger I was able to push myself back up to do things that matter and I did it every day. Now, in this episode, it feels like I’m really giving up in myself and in life although I keep lying to myself that everything will be okay. That’s what we’re good at right? Lying to ourselves.

Sometimes I feel like a huge part of me is already dead. What’s left is an empty vessel going through each day like a routine. Just get up, get things done, eat, come home, and repeat. Sometimes I wish I could stop time for a while just to get all the endless time I need to really rest and take a break from reality. But then reality is like a monster, chasing me down each day until I’m suffocating.

I’m just above water, still breathing just enough to survive. And yet, even though I’m very aware of the monster chasing me down, sleep is always the solution. Lately I’ve been sleeping way too much. Today I slept the whole afternoon away. After dinner, I slept till 9pm. I just want to keep sleeping and sleeping. It’s bad and terrible but I can’t help it. The moment I wake up, all I want is to go back into dreamland. It just isn’t sleep anymore. It’s an escape. But honestly, I know no amount of sleep can cure how I feel inside.

I ask myself how did the little me, always happy and carefree come to this? Was it because everything accumulated until it’s at the point of breaking?

I wish life wasn’t this complicated.

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx

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