Before It Happens

Have you ever felt all alone? Like you are alone in your problems, alone in every aspect of life. And you know it’s partly your fault because you did not tell anyone else because you are such a great liar. You don’t want them to worry so you lie smoothly. But then the lie gets harder to keep because all you want is to tell them the truth because you want help and guidance but then all people can do is just advice, without doing much. And usually, advice isn’t enough because you really need real help.

And then you find yourself in a situation whereby you can’t seem to rely on anyone because everyone just lets you down. You don’t know who to rely on because all you know is leaning on your own shoulders, carrying the weight of the world.

And then you think about high buildings, ropes, poison and blood.

And then you think about everyone in your life.

And then you silently apologize to them in your aching heart.

But then, even as selfish as your thoughts may be, you are overwhelmed and death doesn’t seem so scary anymore. Death may actually be too kind to you. It’s bittersweet but living seems more suffocating than death itself.

You don’t care if you’re alive or not anymore. You’re so tired and you start thinking of ways to say your goodbyes. You’ll be sad to leave so many people behind but this hell is too much. So you smile as a tear fall. It was good to be here. It was good to know them. It was good to live this long. It was good to experience so many things. It was all good. It was all too good.

You want to run into somebody’s arms but then that may just make you want to stay more no matter how crippled you feel so you don’t. You stand your ground and prepare for the worst.

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