3am Thoughts

“You’ll break your own heart in the end.”

It’s 3am and I can’t help go through this vicious cycle of breaking down, wiping away tears, thinking I’m okay, try to get some work done, break down again and repeat. In between thinking I’m okay, I binge eat on biscotti because I forgot to defrost my ready-made dinner that I froze days ago. I mean I could defrost it with the oven but I fear waking those who stays in rooms near the kitchen.

All I want right now is to give up. To forget everything. To disappear from the face of earth.

But it’s the same feeling I face all the time when I’m at my low point. I’m just taking a different approach to it.

And yes how I wish I could restart at a certain point and change my decisions then  maybe I wouldn’t have come to this point in life.

Now I have cracks over my moral code, I’m on medications and I’m scared of my future and everything else. I’m freezing my ass in this room. It’s 24 degrees and I shouldn’t be feeling cold but I guess that’s what happens to your body when you are sad. Everything feels colder.

A while ago I would have said, “No I don’t want to go home,” but all of a sudden, I want to go home. I guess I do appreciate the changes at home. It’s warmer than it used to be. And plus I need someone to mess up my peace for a while. My brothers can cause the chaos for me. I love them so much.

And plus, it wouldn’t hurt to go back for a while to get away from here and let things resolve themselves. Especially when it comes to cracks all over my heart. I swear if there were only plastic surgery for the broken soul…. but I guess there are ways to heal it. And sometimes the only way to heal is to be healed by the person that broke it. Does that make sense? Yes it does.

Okay right now my head hurts and my stomach hurts. Sigh…

All this got me thinking… can I just book the earliest flight back home that’s at 7 something am right now?

Immediately, I hear this voice in my head saying “Don’t be silly,” in an all so familiar voice.

That voice is always right.

Anyways… I guess I feel much better typing all this out here. Hopefully I can sleep properly after this…

Goodnight!

cloe_shadowscar xx

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