Conflicted

I’ve being weighing everything. I want to make a decision but I can’t get to a decision although everything I’ve been reading up online has already made it so clear to me.

I don’t know if waiting will change anything. I don’t know how long I can wait as I keep feeling like this.

But then at the same time, there’s another part of me that is willing to do the waiting because it believes. It’s just a big confliction in me. And if  someone says something to change my mind, I would listen immediately without a second thought.

(f*ck this I’m tearing up typing this out)

But the number of times I said “it’s okay” has been too many. The number of times I brush it off is just frustrating me. It really hurts. It feels like priority is not priority anymore.

Am I just blind and silly? I’m not naive and stupid, I know it.

Every time I ask, an excuse or reason is what I receive. Every time someone else asks, I give in almost all the time, even if I’m tired or wrecked or busy.

And sometimes I feel like I’m not even wanted. I feel like I’m just there to amuse people when they’re bored or when they need something.

I’m so conflicted that I know any of my decisions will hurt.

I’m trying so hard to keep it together. I want it so bad but am I the only one working for it?

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar

 

 

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