Dissecting My Depression

People always ask me, what event started triggering your depression?

I come up with a nonchalant lie, “I don’t know.” It’s not that I want to lie to them. I was just never ever comfortable with telling them what happened in the past. It’s a dark place to me.

But here I am, sharing it because I’m technically anonymous here and being anonymous makes me braver to share more about myself.

Exhibit A :

First week of school. (Age 13) You did not need to tell everyone else where I live, on what street, who my parents were and whatsoever. Did you do it just to get friends and attention because you got all the juice everywhere?

And I remember the exact words they said to me, ” I don’t dare to invite you to my place. I’m scared you will look down on me.”

I don’t know what picture you painted of me in their mind. I know I’m not like that. Real friends know I’m not like that. But you never bothered to change their mindset did you? Funny you were my best friend. But honestly, whatever they thought about me wasn’t the problem. What was the problem came after when I was left alone by you because it seems as if you have new better friends. I got lonely and what they said got me hallucinating that I can’t trust anybody. And you three had this burn book, writing things about people. Me included.

Six years of friendship we had and I became the back up friend when something goes wrong. I gave you a second chance when you told me they were bad influence but I should have known that a tiger can’t change its stripes. I tossed our friendship the last time I saw you.

By the way, you still owe me 20 bucks which I wouldn’t claim because it represents how much our friendship worthed.

Exhibit B :

You wrote some mean things on the toilet door and walls. Was it nice to write things like that? Was it nice to make me look bad when I did nothing to you? Did it make you feel great about yourself? Did it feel good to torture my mind? What’s in it for you anyways?

Exhibit C :

Loneliness generates pain. Loneliness leads to toxic relationships. You texted me every night at 10pm and made it a daily routine. I became attached and I now know it wasn’t love. I thought it was back then. It was attachment because it felt as if you were the only person who cared and you gave me something to fill the emptiness. But when you left and we ignored each other for two years, it was heartbreaking and loneliness caved in again. I told myself to stop letting my walls down.

Exhibit D :

You didn’t know what I was going through. I cannot blame you completely. I was not a bad student. I was just mislead, depressed and distracted. But you made school felt like hell and the fact that I didn’t really had anyone by my side made it worse. This was the year I faked a lot of sickness just to get away from it. This was the year I proved you wrong and everyone else.

Exhibit E :

You came into my life by stealing my phone number off my friend’s phone. You posed as my fake boyfriend to stop some guy from harassing me. It was funny, I have to admit, when you pretended like you were some rich guy who would buy me anything I wanted.

It was the wrong relationship either ways. I made myself go through another heartbreak just because I thought it was for the better. This one is on me. I wanted to run free while you were still going to be at the same place I hate. But then again, we’ve become friends and I prefer that way more.

Once again, I told myself to keep my walls up.

Exhibit F :

I call you the sunshine because you brighten up the room all the time. We used to talk a lot but there was once where it seemed like you didn’t want to talk and you were annoyed. I was scared to annoy you because that would mean losing a friend. But then, we haven’t talk until now. Honestly, I kind of want to talk to you again because I miss the questions you would always ask. All those random questions about my life was nice because it was like you did want to know me well.

You were able to make me smile all the time even though I try not to show it. But then you’re gone just like that. I’m kind of sad about it, till now. I may have found someone who brightens up the room like you do, but it’s not the same because he doesn’t shine as bright as you do.

Exhibit G :

You threaten all the time. You make me feel so, so small and worthless and whenever I get my hopes up, you tear it down over again. And yet, I still find myself pulling myself back up but I’m afraid of the day I might just give up completely.

And that’s it. I think I’ve dissected it.





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