Next Chapter

Classes are starting soon.

It’s all over the place, both near and far. The map is honestly crazy.

Am I afraid? Yes. Afraid I’ll get lost or be late. Afraid that I won’t mix well with the others. Afraid that I may be alone. Afraid that I may not learn things quick enough. There are weak moments when I just feel like I’m alone in everything. There are moments when I just can’t explain the desire to just break down and let it out.

Inauguration day was intimidating, apart from the fact that only one person (whom I met at a clinic for health checkup) texted me asking where I was and sitting next to me. He made me feel like there was someone who notice my existence and want to be around me.  Too bad he was in another course, dentistry. But overall, he’s a nice person.

I just can’t seem to click with the other fellow Asians from other Asian countries. They seem to prefer their own people even though we’re similar. I get it, it’s quite normal everywhere. Strangely, I am able to click with that guy I mentioned earlier who is from Norway. He’s tall, wears leather jacket (which I totally admire because I love leather jackets), totally fit and friendly as well as rather charming.

I received an email telling me the group I’m in, that is Group 1. So far I have only met 2 people who are in group 1. I tried to converse with them but I could still feel the barrier.

I just hope I’ll get used to everything and that there wouldn’t be a problem for me. There are still some things I have to do myself, like making my student visa and getting my public transport card after receiving my student ID.

What makes it unbearable is that I really miss certain people. I miss the one on one friendship and relationship because I’m not exactly a people’s person. I can be if I have too but the amount of energy it takes is massive. I wonder if the consecutive days where I smiled continuously and talk to new people are making me feel this tired. The doctor who did my health check up was like, “You need to rest more, sleep more,” because my blood pressure was still okay, but a bit low and that my erythrocyte count was a bit low, but still alright.

It does not help that the weather is as cold as how I feel. Sometimes, I just want to lie under a pile of blankets, feeling the warmth, hoping that it will subdue my worrying feelings.

It’s hard because I don’t really know who to talk to when I need a shoulder to lean on. It’s hard to listen to one of my favourite song, “Dusk till Dawn” by Zayn, featuring Sia. The lyrics tend to affect me “But you’ll never be alone. I’ll be with you from dusk till dawn. I’ll be with you from dusk till dawn. Baby, I’m right here. I’ll hold you when things go wrong.”  It’s also hard to put down certain feelings when you see people making out in parks and on trams, exchanging kisses on cheeks.

I know I shouldn’t think too much of it but I’m frustrated, scared and intimidated. I barely know anyone here and so many things can go wrong.

Change is scary. Everyone goes through it at least once or twice in their life. I get it. These feelings are temporary and will be gone. That’s what I tell myself.

Signing off,

cloe_shadowscar xx